Dissatisfaction

It's hot. I'm bored. I'm tired, even though I just slept 13 hours. I'm lonely, but dating is hard and I don't like the idea of settling. There's leftover makeup on my face from last night, and I know it'll give me acne, but I'm too lazy to go wash it off.

I applied for my dream job last week, and I've yet to get a response. I keep checking to see if I actually sent the email (which I did), and now I'm doubting myself.

I feel inadequate. Did I not make a good enough impression on my supervisors when I was interning? Am I insignificant, so much so that I don't even deserve a letter in response, something that at least signifies that someone, somewhere, actually read my message?

I usually bottle these feelings up. Yeah, yeah, let's just talk about our cliched problems now, why don't we.

Honestly though. I'm always confident. That's my thing, that's my image. I'm always sure of myself, always.

Except I'm not.
I'm really not.

I'm scared, all the time. What people think of me, and what they see in me, is really really important to me. I'm fake, a lot of the time, just as an attempt to be likable. Which is ridiculous, but I have a really hard time inspiring that feeling of "I'm great and everyone should like me" by myself.

I need constant affirmation that I am, indeed, "the best." I'm sure some of my closest, oldest friends may have a sliver of an idea that this is the case, but I'm good at acting. I'm good at seeming like I don't care, that it doesn't bother me.

But in reality? I'm extremely weak to rejection. I hate the idea. I don't heal easily from it at all. I make this big deal of how make up is just something society puts upon girls as a regulation of BLAH BLAH BLAH but in reality, I wear it to almost every social gathering. I get super hurt and broken every time anyone rejects me romantically, and yet I act like it doesn't bother me and "I don't even want a serious relationship right now anyways." And every time something like this current situation, where I'm waiting for a reply, an acceptance into a field that I can only dream for, occurs, I get so ridiculously antsy and nervous, to a point where I turn to even religion for hope.

But why?

Why am I always so dissatisfied with myself? Why don't I ever think I'm good enough?

I mean, we can all blame our problems on our upbringings. With the traditional Chinese parent system where nothing was every good enough, perhaps now I've placed that idea on myself.

But I want to go beyond that.
I want to be good enough.

No, I want to be better. I want to be able to live everyday with the mentality that I am amazing, that nothing about me needs to change, and I want to reach that internally. I want to stop relying on external forces of recognition and confirmation when it comes to my self-worth.

It's so hard. But I have to try.